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one of the most frustrating elements of mental illnesses is that they’re so…invisible.
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eating disorders live in the mind. physical manifestations are secondary to the root cause. it’s a head game. your mind is a control system that’s been hijacked, and the body responds to all commands. it knows they’re wrong, but it’s deeper than that. the hardwiring has been targeted and setting that straight is anything but a linear process.
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so when i finally began recovering, nobody could tell.
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my recovery was slow. i saw the changes i made as drastic. on the outside, the 12-foot hurdles i was throwing myself over were nothing more than bumps in the road.
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it's HARD to face demons when only you can see them. my family was my greatest support system. but they couldn’t understand the paranoia.
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recovering from a mental illness is like being alone in a crowded room. nobody can push you to face your monsters. nobody can see them. they don’t make sense to anyone else. my disorder led me to fear things i knew were irrational but suffocated me anyway. sleeping through the night without sneaking a workout. using mugs without washing them 4x, in case a granule of sugar lingered from the last use. sitting in the high school cafe instead of a bathroom stall, even though i was convinced being NEAR a bagel would cause weight gain.
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nobody said to me, “good job using a mug today” because nobody knew that specific fear was even an issue. i relapsed over and over. why? i waited for someone to see the problems i needed to fix in order to justify me fixing them. when i finally accepted that seeking external praise was crippling me (and that it wasn’t coming!), i was able to save my own life.
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in a culture that’s conditioned to look outwardly to gauge success, facing invisible fears feels like a waste. i was discouraged to keep facing small fears because nobody was noticing.
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i’ve learned that you have to carry yourself. because while your struggles feel invisible to everyone else, they’re not to you. you can see them...so face them. .
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as my mom always says , “only you can help yourself”. so do it. you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for ✨
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Text by @healthfulradiance.

one of the most frustrating elements of mental illnesses is that they’re so…invisible. . eating disorders live in the mind. physical manifestations are secondary to the root cause. it’s a head game. your mind is a control system that’s been hijacked, and the body responds to all commands. it knows they’re wrong, but it’s deeper than that. the hardwiring has been targeted and setting that straight is anything but a linear process. . so when i finally began recovering, nobody could tell. . my recovery was slow. i saw the changes i made as drastic. on the outside, the 12-foot hurdles i was throwing myself over were nothing more than bumps in the road. . it's HARD to face demons when only you can see them. my family was my greatest support system. but they couldn’t understand the paranoia. . recovering from a mental illness is like being alone in a crowded room. nobody can push you to face your monsters. nobody can see them. they don’t make sense to anyone else. my disorder led me to fear things i knew were irrational but suffocated me anyway. sleeping through the night without sneaking a workout. using mugs without washing them 4x, in case a granule of sugar lingered from the last use. sitting in the high school cafe instead of a bathroom stall, even though i was convinced being NEAR a bagel would cause weight gain. . nobody said to me, “good job using a mug today” because nobody knew that specific fear was even an issue. i relapsed over and over. why? i waited for someone to see the problems i needed to fix in order to justify me fixing them. when i finally accepted that seeking external praise was crippling me (and that it wasn’t coming!), i was able to save my own life. . in a culture that’s conditioned to look outwardly to gauge success, facing invisible fears feels like a waste. i was discouraged to keep facing small fears because nobody was noticing. . i’ve learned that you have to carry yourself. because while your struggles feel invisible to everyone else, they’re not to you. you can see them...so face them. . . as my mom always says , “only you can help yourself”. so do it. you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for ✨ . Text by @healthfulradiance ...

there’s no such thing as ‘normal eating’. do you know two people who eat exactly the same? no. everyone has different eating habits so what do professionals mean in recovery when telling you that you need to restore a normal way of eating? well normal eating is different for everyone, for some people it’s three meals and three snacks a day, whereas for others it’s just one or two huge meals. it’s being able to recognise your hunger and allow yourself to eat what you crave but stop once you’re satisfied. it’s about a balance, not eating anything in excess but not depriving your body of anything either. normal eating should be natural but of course it’s not going to be if you’ve had an eating disorder or gone through long periods of restriction. so how do we restore normal eating habits? well first we need to be at a healthy weight, it’s obviously hard to have normal eating habits if you’re trying to loose or gain weight for whatever reason. then we need to make sure there aren’t any foods we will avoid at all costs or what people may refer to as ‘fear foods’. and finally we need to work out what works best for our own body to maintain a stable healthy weight and be providing our body with enough nutrients and energy. we need to be able to listen to our body and hunger cues but still be sure to eat substantial meals throughout the day, and we need to be able to eat freely without guilt or avoidance of foods that shouldn’t be avoided such as chocolate or ice cream - or whatever foods you may have seen as ‘scary’ in the past. and of course... eat foods you enjoy!.

there’s no such thing as ‘normal eating’. do you know two people who eat exactly the same? no. everyone has different eating habits so what do professionals mean in recovery when telling you that you need to restore a normal way of eating? well normal eating is different for everyone, for some people it’s three meals and three snacks a day, whereas for others it’s just one or two huge meals. it’s being able to recognise your hunger and allow yourself to eat what you crave but stop once you’re satisfied. it’s about a balance, not eating anything in excess but not depriving your body of anything either. normal eating should be natural but of course it’s not going to be if you’ve had an eating disorder or gone through long periods of restriction. so how do we restore normal eating habits? well first we need to be at a healthy weight, it’s obviously hard to have normal eating habits if you’re trying to loose or gain weight for whatever reason. then we need to make sure there aren’t any foods we will avoid at all costs or what people may refer to as ‘fear foods’. and finally we need to work out what works best for our own body to maintain a stable healthy weight and be providing our body with enough nutrients and energy. we need to be able to listen to our body and hunger cues but still be sure to eat substantial meals throughout the day, and we need to be able to eat freely without guilt or avoidance of foods that shouldn’t be avoided such as chocolate or ice cream - or whatever foods you may have seen as ‘scary’ in the past. and of course... eat foods you enjoy! ...

One of the tenants of the “Maudsley recovery method”, the only scientifically proven method of anorexia treatment, is removing all control over food preparation and portioning from the patient. This makes sense for the demographic the method is used with; children and adolescents. But where does that leave the adults in recovery? Cooking and feeding ourselves is literally a fundamental element of surviving as an adult and a responsibility that we don’t always have the ability to pass off. I’m re-learning how to cook according to proper recipes, using proper portions, but I still find myself struggling. Adding the amount of guacamole I know I want, rather than what anorexia tells me I should have, or using the full spoon of oil instead of convincing myself that half is probably fine is still really, really hard. When I get takeout and the meal is made for me I can forfeit all control and somehow that makes it more acceptable to “just eat”. Tonight I tried to make this bowl with the same abandon I take when ordering out- I gave myself the same permission. I added the elements a restaurant would (re; guac, chips and salsa), because I need to teach myself that just because the opportunity to cut corners exists doesn’t mean I need to take it.  #recover #anorexia #anorexiarecovery #eatingdisorder #mentalhealth #wellness #recovery.

One of the tenants of the “Maudsley recovery method”, the only scientifically proven method of anorexia treatment, is removing all control over food preparation and portioning from the patient. This makes sense for the demographic the method is used with; children and adolescents. But where does that leave the adults in recovery? Cooking and feeding ourselves is literally a fundamental element of surviving as an adult and a responsibility that we don’t always have the ability to pass off. I’m re-learning how to cook according to proper recipes, using proper portions, but I still find myself struggling. Adding the amount of guacamole I know I want, rather than what anorexia tells me I should have, or using the full spoon of oil instead of convincing myself that half is probably fine is still really, really hard. When I get takeout and the meal is made for me I can forfeit all control and somehow that makes it more acceptable to “just eat”. Tonight I tried to make this bowl with the same abandon I take when ordering out- I gave myself the same permission. I added the elements a restaurant would (re; guac, chips and salsa), because I need to teach myself that just because the opportunity to cut corners exists doesn’t mean I need to take it. #recover #anorexia #anorexiarecovery #eatingdisorder #mentalhealth #wellness #recovery ...

If anyone didn’t know I have a huge collection of helpful articles under my bio in the “Informative” highlights. It’s easy to avoid, but it’s so important to confront the things that cause you issues. (This does not apply to people who have issues with research reassurance).

If anyone didn’t know I have a huge collection of helpful articles under my bio in the “Informative” highlights. It’s easy to avoid, but it’s so important to confront the things that cause you issues. (This does not apply to people who have issues with research reassurance) ...

🎤LET'S TALK ABOUT IT! WHAT DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOU HAVE ANXIETY?
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😓For me I used to be filled with overwhelming feelings of dread. I used to feel defeated before ever even trying to do any task. I would feel nauseous, dizzy and feel like if I left my home I would be sick.
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☢I learned that I had developed some really toxic associations with certain situations and the patterns that I developed had been keeping me a prisoner to anxiety daily. •
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⚠️School, groups of people, restaurants, large crowds, meeting new people, speaking in front of a group and so much more were all very triggering for me. •
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✔I had to work through my toxic beliefs about my role in these situations and I started to learn how to have a more balanced and realistic perspective. •
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💕ANXIETY IS NOT WHO YOU ARE AND YOU CAN TAKE BACK YOUR POWER!!! Love your account @anxietycoachleigha  credit @miss_mental0 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .

#depression #depressed #suicide #selfharrm #sad #anxiety #thoughts #alone #emotional #tired #numb #tears #scars #fear #anorexia #relatable #selfhate #ihatemyself #whyamiliving #suicidal #mentalillness #cutting #crying #fightforlife #fighter #suiciderecovery #depressionrecovery #staystrong #recoveryishard #nevergiveup.

🎤LET'S TALK ABOUT IT! WHAT DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOU HAVE ANXIETY? • • • 😓For me I used to be filled with overwhelming feelings of dread. I used to feel defeated before ever even trying to do any task. I would feel nauseous, dizzy and feel like if I left my home I would be sick. • • • ☢I learned that I had developed some really toxic associations with certain situations and the patterns that I developed had been keeping me a prisoner to anxiety daily. • • • ⚠️School, groups of people, restaurants, large crowds, meeting new people, speaking in front of a group and so much more were all very triggering for me. • • • ✔I had to work through my toxic beliefs about my role in these situations and I started to learn how to have a more balanced and realistic perspective. • • • 💕ANXIETY IS NOT WHO YOU ARE AND YOU CAN TAKE BACK YOUR POWER!!! Love your account @anxietycoachleigha credit @miss_mental 0 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ . #depression #depressed #suicide #selfharrm #sad #anxiety #thoughts #alone #emotional #tired #numb #tears #scars #fear #anorexia #relatable #selfhate #ihatemyself #whyamiliving #suicidal #mentalillness #cutting #crying #fightforlife #fighter #suiciderecovery #depressionrecovery #staystrong #recoveryishard #nevergiveup ...

A true modern day hero...

A true modern day hero.. ...

You know the meme “girl smiling with salad”? I rapidly feel like I’m becoming “girl smiling with cheesecake”. And frankly, cheesecake gives me a lot more reasons to smile than salad ever did. 
Usually on my way home from work I divert to pick up some sort of snack or dessert, but today I knew exactly what I wanted to have [cake] and I knew it was waiting for me in my freezer. Great, right? Not so much. Because the thought of not walking / standing for that extra five minutes that it takes to pick up a dessert made my eating disorder scream. It sometimes feels like violating the food rules and eating things like cake and pizza is the “fun part” whereas ignoring the lower level movement piece can feel like absolute torture. The idea of going directly home, knowing I’ll have an extra five minutes of empty space in my life where I “should have been moving” is excruciating. But as awful as it feels, it would feel 100x worse to look back on my life and be filled with regrets over all the family meals missed, plans with friends cancelled and career opportunities passed up because I “needed” to walk. Today I am sitting with fear, anxiety, and incredible psychological discomfort so that maybe tomorrow (or, realistically, maybe a year from now) I don’t have to.  #recover #anorexia #anorexiarecovery #eatingdisorder #mentalhealth #wellness #recovery.

You know the meme “girl smiling with salad”? I rapidly feel like I’m becoming “girl smiling with cheesecake”. And frankly, cheesecake gives me a lot more reasons to smile than salad ever did. Usually on my way home from work I divert to pick up some sort of snack or dessert, but today I knew exactly what I wanted to have [cake] and I knew it was waiting for me in my freezer. Great, right? Not so much. Because the thought of not walking / standing for that extra five minutes that it takes to pick up a dessert made my eating disorder scream. It sometimes feels like violating the food rules and eating things like cake and pizza is the “fun part” whereas ignoring the lower level movement piece can feel like absolute torture. The idea of going directly home, knowing I’ll have an extra five minutes of empty space in my life where I “should have been moving” is excruciating. But as awful as it feels, it would feel 100x worse to look back on my life and be filled with regrets over all the family meals missed, plans with friends cancelled and career opportunities passed up because I “needed” to walk. Today I am sitting with fear, anxiety, and incredible psychological discomfort so that maybe tomorrow (or, realistically, maybe a year from now) I don’t have to. #recover #anorexia #anorexiarecovery #eatingdisorder #mentalhealth #wellness #recovery ...

Sometimes I miss hospital. I miss being looked after. There are still days where I crave the comfort of knowing I was being taken care of. I miss the lack of responsibility some days. I miss the safety of it all. 
Anorexia enabled me to escape my life. When things become overwhelming and stressful, I find myself craving the strange relief of being hospitalised. When exams are looming, I find my thoughts erupting with the possibility of being admitted. Anorexia takes your life away from you and in a sad way, I sometimes miss that. •
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That’s how delusional this disorder makes you. It makes you miss dying. It makes you crave the feeling of death at your fingertips. •
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So, yes, I have more responsibilities since deciding to recover. I have exams ahead and sometimes the stress of it all can really take its toll on me. Anorexia gives you a getaway option. A healthy mind wouldn’t consider restriction and hospitalisation in order to avoid exam season. Death wouldn’t appeal to a healthy mind like it does to the mind of an eating disorder sufferer. That’s exactly it, though. My brain is not healthy yet. Sometimes. I miss my worst days. That’s because I’m still not well. Recovery is about identifying the irrational thoughts and challenging them. These feelings do not belong to me, they belong to her. •
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#anorexia #anorexiarecover #recovery #recover #eatingdisorderrecovery #anxiety #mentalhealthawareness #weightgain #gainingweightiscool #eatingdisorderawareness.

Sometimes I miss hospital. I miss being looked after. There are still days where I crave the comfort of knowing I was being taken care of. I miss the lack of responsibility some days. I miss the safety of it all. Anorexia enabled me to escape my life. When things become overwhelming and stressful, I find myself craving the strange relief of being hospitalised. When exams are looming, I find my thoughts erupting with the possibility of being admitted. Anorexia takes your life away from you and in a sad way, I sometimes miss that. • • That’s how delusional this disorder makes you. It makes you miss dying. It makes you crave the feeling of death at your fingertips. • • So, yes, I have more responsibilities since deciding to recover. I have exams ahead and sometimes the stress of it all can really take its toll on me. Anorexia gives you a getaway option. A healthy mind wouldn’t consider restriction and hospitalisation in order to avoid exam season. Death wouldn’t appeal to a healthy mind like it does to the mind of an eating disorder sufferer. That’s exactly it, though. My brain is not healthy yet. Sometimes. I miss my worst days. That’s because I’m still not well. Recovery is about identifying the irrational thoughts and challenging them. These feelings do not belong to me, they belong to her. • • #anorexia #anorexiarecover #recovery #recover #eatingdisorderrecovery #anxiety #mentalhealthawareness #weightgain #gainingweightiscool #eatingdisorderawareness ...

Most Recent

I'm currently fasting, 4 hours strong rn I'm hoping I can loose the weight I gained at the party I went to
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#ana #anorexia #bullemia #nervousa #deression #anxiety #triggerwarning #grunge #aethetic #skinny #pain #grungeaesthetic #slowsuicide #imnothing #alone #neveragain #trigger #pain.

I'm currently fasting, 4 hours strong rn I'm hoping I can loose the weight I gained at the party I went to -- #ana #anorexia #bullemia #nervousa #deression #anxiety #triggerwarning #grunge #aethetic #skinny #pain #grungeaesthetic #slowsuicide #imnothing #alone #neveragain #trigger #pain ...

25/03/19

Lunch today was very needed by the time my break rocked around at 15:00 😬 
Salad with tomatoes, cous cous, chilli flakes, vegan burger and a dressing that is a mixture of harissa paste and tomato and chilli chutney. Hit the spot 👌🏼 #veganuk #eatingdisorderrecovery #anorexicrecovery #anorexiawarrior #anorexia #vegan #whatveganseat #edsoldier #edwarrior #healthylunch #eattobeatit #eatright #compassion #worldwideveganfood #veganlunch #veganfoodideas.

25/03/19 Lunch today was very needed by the time my break rocked around at 15:00 😬 Salad with tomatoes, cous cous, chilli flakes, vegan burger and a dressing that is a mixture of harissa paste and tomato and chilli chutney. Hit the spot 👌🏼 #veganuk #eatingdisorderrecovery #anorexicrecovery #anorexiawarrior #anorexia #vegan #whatveganseat #edsoldier #edwarrior #healthylunch #eattobeatit #eatright #compassion #worldwideveganfood #veganlunch #veganfoodideas ...

These Old Navy jeans are size 4. The Redbubble is small and now fits better.

You see more of my ribs.

What will be my wake up call? (I do not endorse eating disorders in any fashion, be it binge eating, bulimia, anorexia, etc.) #EDNOS #anorexia

#redbubble #oldnavy.

These Old Navy jeans are size 4. The Redbubble is small and now fits better. You see more of my ribs. What will be my wake up call? (I do not endorse eating disorders in any fashion, be it binge eating, bulimia, anorexia, etc.) #EDNOS #anorexia #redbubble #oldnavy ...

Recovery is a choice you have to make day in day out, throughout the day, at every meal, every morning, with every decision and every behaviour. It is mentally exhausting, hard, intrusive and goes against all your habits and normal behavioral tendencies and yet despite that you’re out their doing it! You are fighting yourself, even though it is one of the hardest things to do! Now if that isn’t strength and resilience than I don’t know what is. Be proud of yourself ✨
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#anorexiarecovery #edrecovery #anorexia #eatingdisorder #prorecovery #anarecovery #edwarrior #ed #eatingdisorderrecovery #ana #edfamily #realrecovery #recovery #edfighter #edsoldier #beatana #recoveryisworthit #healthyeating #selfie #selfies #smile #life #anorexianervosa #bulimia #edfam #eatittobeatit #anawho #bopowarrior #healthyliving #healthychoices.

Recovery is a choice you have to make day in day out, throughout the day, at every meal, every morning, with every decision and every behaviour. It is mentally exhausting, hard, intrusive and goes against all your habits and normal behavioral tendencies and yet despite that you’re out their doing it! You are fighting yourself, even though it is one of the hardest things to do! Now if that isn’t strength and resilience than I don’t know what is. Be proud of yourself ✨ • • • • • #anorexiarecovery #edrecovery #anorexia #eatingdisorder #prorecovery #anarecovery #edwarrior #ed #eatingdisorderrecovery #ana #edfamily #realrecovery #recovery #edfighter #edsoldier #beatana #recoveryisworthit #healthyeating #selfie #selfies #smile #life #anorexianervosa #bulimia #edfam #eatittobeatit #anawho #bopowarrior #healthyliving #healthychoices ...

Looking at food right now makes me physically ill but I’ll share this anyway! Last night I needed to stack up and eat a lot because today I am doing my colonoscopy prep. I had a burger for dinner (!!!!) but couldn’t have fries because I can’t have potato skin before the colonoscopy, but the burger was SO. GOOD. It was a Juicy Lucy, which is a burger with cheese stuffed inside 🤤 Huge win! Went home and had some Ben and Jerry’s.. this pint was A M A Z I N G. It may be their “lighter” version but it’s still WAY creamier and delicious than halo top! Today has been super, super rough prepping for my colonoscopy though. TW if you can’t handle vomit? I drank the first 64 oz of my prep and threw up so much, then started the next 64 and threw up after just a couple ounces. :-( I was so disgustingly miserable. Now I’m feeling a little better after getting it all out of my system, but I have to drink it again in 3 hours.. hoping this all works out and I can keep it down because I NEED to be able to have this done tomorrow!! & also can’t wait to eat again ☹️ Anyway, gonna go grab an adult coloring book and color to distract myself!.

Looking at food right now makes me physically ill but I’ll share this anyway! Last night I needed to stack up and eat a lot because today I am doing my colonoscopy prep. I had a burger for dinner (!!!!) but couldn’t have fries because I can’t have potato skin before the colonoscopy, but the burger was SO. GOOD. It was a Juicy Lucy, which is a burger with cheese stuffed inside 🤤 Huge win! Went home and had some Ben and Jerry’s.. this pint was A M A Z I N G. It may be their “lighter” version but it’s still WAY creamier and delicious than halo top! Today has been super, super rough prepping for my colonoscopy though. TW if you can’t handle vomit? I drank the first 64 oz of my prep and threw up so much, then started the next 64 and threw up after just a couple ounces. :-( I was so disgustingly miserable. Now I’m feeling a little better after getting it all out of my system, but I have to drink it again in 3 hours.. hoping this all works out and I can keep it down because I NEED to be able to have this done tomorrow!! & also can’t wait to eat again ☹️ Anyway, gonna go grab an adult coloring book and color to distract myself! ...