• twice, I have loved women who chose to keep me a secret. who hid my letters. deleted my texts. lied, when someone asked what we’d ever been.
I don’t know what to say about this except that both heartbreaks shattered something deeper. that they buried us in regret. that it was a betrayal of love.
I will tell you that it destroyed me both times and (even now) if someone asked me if I’d ever loved them, I could never say no. I do not regret the people I have loved. they are stories I will tell for the rest of my life. I hope I will do so fondly. but I fought to build myself from the ground up in the wake of them. I learned invaluable lessons in what love is, and what it isn’t. I put myself back together with forgiveness. with the idea that these loves were never right for me. that when I reach for someone new, I want big love. bold love. love that couldn’t keep me a secret if it fucking tried.
I will tell you that I will not settle for anything less.
📸: @alison.malee ...
Your trauma is valid. Even if other people have experienced "worse”. Even if someone else who went through the same experience doesn't feel debilitated by it. Even if it "could have been avoided." Even if it happened a long time ago. Even if no one knows. Your trauma is real and valid and you deserve a space to talk about it. It isn't desperate or pathetic or attention-seeking. It's self-care. It's inconceivably brave. And regardless of the magnitude of your struggle, you're allowed to take care of yourself by processing and unloading some of the pain you carry. Your pain matters. Your experience matters. And your healing matters. Nothing and no one can take that away - Daniell Koepke.
Last night, after one too many glasses of wine, I finally mustered the courage to text him. “I need to talk to you about something that’s been festering and buried within me for a while now. Sometime this week when you’re free, I’d like a heart to heart. For our relationship to move pass some things and hopefully resolve and come to some form of closure.”
I probably would have put it off another few years, if not for a friend who shared his brave confrontation and how he felt so liberated after. I’ve been putting it off for a long time now and last night, a voice inside my head said...... “You’ve waited long enough. If not now, when?”.
It happened 20 over years ago but while everyone moved on with their lives, my assaulter included, I feel like I never did. And it took me this long to finally confront someone who I felt should have been there for me, protected me and comforted me.
This morning he texted me back. “When do you want to do this.” I was relieved. I was half expecting him to be dismissive and defensive. I don’t know what will come out of it but I know that I need to face it, forgive others for making me feel shameful and guilty, and forgive myself for believing them. ...
i went to Paris with my girlfriend yesterday,, it was Amazing 🥰 miss her already ...
I often catch myself staring at the door to the boundless room sketched and coloured with my own laws, hopes and fantasy blooming beautifully and so gracefully every night with my eyes closed.
Unlocked with my key of yearning spirit,
Ready to dive, immerse myself into the world of my words;
Flourish it with innate beauty and grace. Strengthen it with enlightened and educated ones and always, keep your innate goodness.
#write#writing#thoughts #글 #생각 #lifethoughts ...